It’s not just us humans that are affected by the pandemic. Local ducks have taken to sitting on the roofs of houses, instead of their traditional ponds and rivers.
These pair were spotted today where I live. With fewer people about, the ducks have been denied their usual ration of stale bread. So they’ve taken to rooftop vantage points on the lookout for any passing pedestrian with a bag of Wonderloaf tucked under their arms.
I’ve been quite concerned about this for a few weeks now and have made some enquiries on their behalf.
According to HMRC, ducks are self employed, so are not entitled to payments under the furlough scheme. They can claim under the scheme for self employed workers, but sadly as most ducks don’t keep detailed accounts, they can’t prove their eligibility.
Not happy with this explanation I went straight to to the top: I phoned 10 Downing Street, and got straight through to the PM. Apparently Dominic is off for a drive to ‘test his eyesight’, leaving Boris home alone.
I put it to Boris that his government was treating ducks unfairly, and they had a right to food, like any other person. He replied:
‘Erm, erm ,erm Blah, blah, blah, blather, bluster, Get Coronavirus Done, blather bullshit, blah erm, gosh.’
I was appalled by his callous disregard for these poor animals, so I got straight on the phone to the police. Apparently if I call them again, I’ll end up spending the night in the cells for wasting police time.
So much for compassion in the ‘new normal’. But I’ve not given up. I’m going to use the cover of my new Covid proof face mask to mount a raid on the bread factory. Anyone want to join me, we can ‘liberate’ a delivery van and save our ducks?